A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning each of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
64 TV Axioms: - Good guys always shoot better than bad guys. - Good guys are always outnumbered. - Good guys always win and get the girl. - Good guys are always good looking. - Good guys are the only ones with a sense of humor. - Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg. - Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys. - Good guys don't take drugs. - Heros wear clothes that dirt can't stick to. - Ugly people are always bad guys. - Bad guys will make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but they will never stick around to see if it works. - The bad guy chickens out first. - The police are smart. - police never wait for back-up. - Undercover cops are too good to be spotted, especially when wearing dark sunglasses. - All police killings are in self-defense. - Police chases must include a car going through a plate glass window. - Car wheels screech on any corner, even on dirt. - After being shot, there is always enough time to escape. - The chances of getting into an accident increases proportionally as the car goes slower. - Burglar alarm system's connection box is on the outside wall. - Private detective work is glamorous. - Cars will explode in all accidents. - Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness. - Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways. - Teenagers are always smarter than their parents. - High School students look thirty years old. - The suburbs are exciting. - Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten. - All Chinese people know Karate. - Indians make good fodder. - All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth with two outs and the bases loaded. - Everybody wins in Las Vegas. - Nobody has time to watch TV. - Nobody ever has trouble finding parking spots when they are in a hurry. - Housework is never needed. - Street vendor's carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases. - Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool. - The last 5 minutes of any TV show will expain the entire plot. - The last 5 minutes will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials. - In case of emergency, speak in cliches. - 95 pound women in tight skirts can throw around 300 pound muscle-bound men. - Fist-fights don't result in bruises. - Helicopters are attracted to mountains. - No one ever mumbles, stutters, or says "um..." - People normally wake up in the morning with make-up on. - There are no really ugly women, only really ugly men. - If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall. - Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation. - Crazed maniacs have super-human strength. - Everyone has a "dark" secret. - Haunted houses are never locked. - Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music. - Rich people are unhappy. - Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders. - When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth. - Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three of four days. - Midnight happens more than once in a monster movie. - To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 minutes before sunset. - Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into the dark cellar never came out. - The group always splits up to look for the alien. - Movies based on true stories are always made up. - Computers never crash. - Teenagers can access any computer by using their home PC. - Computers know everything. - You must type frantically to keep a 3-D image moving on the screen. - In the end, all resource limitations are overruled.
More Evidence That This World Is Full Of Complete Idiots Stupid Counterfeiter Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. Here, Hold This A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head. Now Watch This A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. No Nukes, Ya Hear? The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. All Aboard A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. My Book!!! Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. Escaped Convict A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. Lie Detector Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. Intoxicated Robber When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. Tired of Walking A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
Worst Things To Say To A Police Officer: Since going beyond the speed limit is the national sport in many countries, there is universal disdain for those uniformed creatures who stop you while you are driving. Here are a few things better left unsaid. Hey, you Must have been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job! Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated? Hi Officer, Do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license? You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. "Bad Cop! No Donut!" I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars. You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you? "Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow" Didn't I see you get your but kicked on "COPS" last week on TV? Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket So, uh, you "on the take", or what? Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too! Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little? Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum. When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder. Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat filling out a crossword puzzle. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine." "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's doing a crossword puzzle." "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch, smiled, and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
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